it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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