Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
