I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize