I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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