Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
