who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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