theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
