when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
