Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize