Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
