Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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