i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
