For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
