there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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