she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
