If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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