If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
