literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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