it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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