Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
