I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
