real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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