So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm both gender and math confused
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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