forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
