When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
