I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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