You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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