I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
