Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize