I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
