omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
