I love black thongs
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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