I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
