I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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