She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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