Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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