i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
