Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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