You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
