I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
