On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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