I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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