my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dicks are not precious.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
