Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize