You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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