You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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