party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
As shirtless as possible
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
