Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize