i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
