I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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