Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
