you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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