i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
