barbara walters just said penis...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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