you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
