the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
