I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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