Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
