I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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