party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
