Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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